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This message Lair Legion Chronicles #9: Death, Taxes, & Super-Villains was posted by Nats present the very long last hurrah for the current era of the Lair Legion! This, folks, is the finale of the Balefire story and features as many characters that could fit in one story...and then some! Please indulge yourself by reading it! on Sunday, March 17, 2002 at 17:13.
LAIR LEGION CHRONICLES #9
By Nats
Death, Taxes, and Super-Villains
"Cold, calculating," the Chronicler of Stories noted. "Cruel, tough, skilled, smart...he'll make a great archnemesis."
Dark Thugos, the Destroyer of Tales, sauntered over. "That weak sapling is nothing compared to my power," he declared.
"Yes, Thugos, we all know you're the greatest threat that ever lived," the Chronicler replied. "We've all heard it before."
"The world was mine."
"Hardly. They stopped you. They'll do it again."
Dark Thugos narrowed his eyes, grunted once, and then walked away.
The Chronicler turned the page.
***
"He's bluffing. He has to be. No one is that crazy," Amber St. Claire, the government liason to the super-hero protectorate known as the Lair Legion, stated.
"What? Toppling the world's governments? Crippling the economy? Throwing everyone into a new dark age? Forcing complete and utter dictatorship and rule over the world with an iron fist? It's a super-villain's wet dream," Lania told her.
"Oh no..." quivered Laurie Leyton, aka Lisette. "Bry..."
"He'll be fine," Valeria comforted her. "As will Derek. Or so we can hope."
"It's all about hope," Amy Racecar, the team's mechanic, said, turning the television off. Balefire had just announced that, unless he was paid five billion dollars, that he would nuke the world's capitals. "It's what makes the heroes come out on top. They don't give up hope. They persevere. And they win."
"Right..." Lisette said. "But what do we do?"
There was silence.
Then Flapjack burped.
Then there was silence once more.
***
The Dark Knight crawled through the air vents of the Romanian castle that served as Balefire's fortress.
It's almost like he purposely made these big enough for a person, DK thought. Figured he could get me with the poison gas vents. Right, like I'd fall for that.
The grim avenger of the night slowed down. His right side slumped against the wall of the vent. The fever Balefire had given him still raged inside him.
Move, the Dark Knight told himself.
He pushed on.
***
Ziles was outside of herself.
Her consciousness was traveling along a path seperate from her body, as she swam through hundreds of emotions.
The holographic trap she was in mattered not to her, for she knew it wasn't real. If she could free her teammates as well, they could possibly pull a victory from sheer defeat.
Lair Legion, this is Ziles, can you hear me? she said over the team's empathic network. This is Ziles. We're trapped in holograms. It's not real. Whatever you're going through, it's not real.
She got nothing back.
Her consciousness weaved through the empathic link itself. She could feel the minds of her teammates, and those of the League of Regulars. Ziles reached out to them once more. Reason couldn't help them. They were too far gone. Images of fear and worry and pain filled Ziles's mind as she perused their emotions. She would have to do something drastic.
She reached within herself. If she could conjure emotions from thin air, she could possibly snap the Lair Legion out of their nightmares.
Ziles thought of the bravest things she had ever seen the heroes do. She created pride, she created love, she created hope, she created peace.
She could feel the team's mind stirring, as if coming out of a fog.
The Xnylonian pushed on. She created anger, she created rage, she created hate, and happiness, and humor and friendship and every emotion she could dream of but fear.
Ziles was heavily sweating. The task took a lot out of her, but she pushed on, ignoring everything. She continued laying on the emotion, and then she amplified it by one hundred.
The minds of her fellow super-heroes snapped open, and they awoke from their fears, each one finding themselves in an empty room, the holograms and tortures non-existant to them.
Ziles collapsed onto the floor.
The Lair Legion and League of Regulars freed themselves. Their doors fell off their hinges, and they stepped out.
"Payback time," Exile smirked.
***
The Dark Knight stumbled down the hallway, a trail of unconscious bodies behind him. Minions are nothing, he thought. Some villains just can't find the right henchmen.
As he made his way through the modernized, technologically-advanced castle, he passed several doorways. He broke into each one, looking for the missiles.
Nothing, he told himself, coming upon the thirty-fifth door.
He went into another room. It seemed to be a bunker, room for Balefire's non-powered minions. DK saw Donar's enchanted baseball bat Mjalcolm come towards him, and he grabbed it. Then he kicked the minion who swung it at him, and brought the bat down on his head.
Can't believe I'm breathing heavy, the grim avenger thought. He noticed the special sticker labelled 'Property of Donar,' and he placed it back on the bat. It took off from his hands to find its master.
The Dark Knight left the room.
He moved on, taking out the randomly dispersed guards when he came upon them. He found a door larger than the others he had encountered, and eyed the control panel used to open it. He broke the panel with his fist and the door opened.
Grrl was waiting for him.
"I knew I'd be the one to find you," the tattooed and pierced skinhead super-villainess told him. "Looking for the boss's missile supply? Well, you've found it. But you'll have to go through me to get it."
Damn, the Dark Knight thought. "If I have to," he said, and took one step toward her.
***
The door to Ziles's room was ripped right out of the wall, and Fin Fang Foom stepped in.
"Ziles..." he whispered to himself. "No."
He checked to make sure she was breathing, and her heart was beating. She had a weak pulse, but she was okay. Finny picked her up and held her in his arms.
"Come back to me, Ziles. Come on. You saved us all. Wake up."
Ziles sighed weakly.
"We need you," the draconic leader of the Lair Legion told her. "I need you."
"So, what's the plan?" Visionary asked.
"Not sure," Hatman shrugged. "We need to get our bearings, find out where we are, and storm the headquarters. Being lost isn't a help."
"We need to find our stuff too," Nats noted. "They took my stick. Trickshot's without arrows. CSFB! doesn't have his Neat-O-Keen thingy. Donar doesn't have Mjalcolm."
"Mjalcolm or nay, I shalt smiteth those paltry curs that didst subjecteth mine friends to this!" Donar proclaimed.
"Agreed," Trickshot spat.
"Weird though, I still have my Hatility Belt..." the Capped Crusader said.
"Uh oh," Goldeneyed stammered. "Guys, get out of here."
"Why?" Sorceress asked him. "What's wrong?"
"I can't...think straight..." the hero answered. Then he lashed out and punched NTU-150 as hard as he could. The armored adventurer bounced once off the floor and then groaned.
Hatman put his Steelers cap on and turned to Sorceress. She whispered a quick incantation and the mind-controlled deputy leader of the LL flew backwards and hit the wall.
"Can't move..." he deduced.
"Boyfriend or not, Jay, I won't let you hurt me," Whitney Darkness told him. "Stay there."
Nats faced down Exile. "I managed without my stick before," he reasoned. "I can take you." He punched Exile in the face.
"Ow," the energy-manipulating LLer grumbled, backhanding the flying delivery boy with a giant energy boxing glove.
"You're trapped, eh?" Canadian Nightmare, the villain controlling the minds of the Canadian heroes smiled from one end of the dungeon. Quake was coming in from the other.
CrazySugarFreakBoy! bounced toward the villain dressed in the Canadian flag. "Stop messing with my friends' heads!" the sugary super-hero demanded.
Just as CSFB! was about to come in contact with Nightmare, the hero disappeared in a golden flash and reappeared halfway through a solid wall.
"Aaagh!" Dreamcatcher Foxglove screamed in agony.
Goldeneyed appeared. Canadian Nightmare nodded in approval, and then G-Eyed disappeared again.
Lisa concentrated her power. "I summons---"
She was struck down by an energy hockey stick before she could finish the sentence.
"Now see here," Visionary yelled to Canadian Nightmare, rolling up his sleeve. "I won't stand for---"
The villain punched him. Vizh flew backwards. "I have the combined strength of all Canadian citizens," he told the possibly-fake-man. "You can't lay a finger on me."
"I don't have to," Sorceress said to him from behind. She began chanting in an archaic language.
"Try all you want, witch, but you can't---gyaaagh!" Canadian Nightmare screamed as his head began to feel like it was exploding.
Hatman, Goldeneyed, and Exile began to come out of their daze. They are glared at the villain that had controlled them.
Two fists appeared in golden flashes, knocking Canadian Nightmare about. A black-gloved fist encased in red energy slammed into his jaw. The villain stumbled into something hard and metallic. He looked up, and stared into the face of Hatman.
"Somehow, I don't think you're as invincible as Canada," the Capped Crusader, still wearing his Steelers cap, said, right before he uppercutted Canadian Nightmare.
Exile spat on his unconscious body. "Disgrace to Canadians everywhere," he commented.
"Quake!" Donar bellowed. "I shalt kick thy villainous ass back to the future thou didst come from!"
"Bring it," Quake laughed. "After you fall, your wench is next."
Donar belted him right across the face, but Quake didn't flinch, he just returned the punch.
"All you got?" the villain wondered.
Donar lunged at him, but Quake blasted him back with his energy beams.
Heat, sound, and energy erupted from Quake's hands, onto Donar.
Troia215, the Amazonian girlfriend of Donar, leaped out of nowhere and performed a stunning kick to Quake's head. She then landed several punched on him, but he grabbed her and threw her into Donar.
The Ausgardian caught her. "Stay her, milady," he told her. "This battle ist personal."
The hemigod dove at Quake and brought his fist down. Quake blocked it and backhanded the LLer.
"I won't kill you," Quake said to him. "I'll just torture you for a few hundred years. I have a long lifespan, you know. It's in the genes."
Donar punched him in the gut. Quake used more energy blasts to knock him back.
"I could always kill you," the villain said. "But it'd be more fun to keep you alive as I kill your friends, and make you suffer unimaginable pain. Hopefully, you don't have a great imagination. And I couldn't do this until you have done the deed, anyway."
"What art thou talkingeth aboutst?" Donar asked him, as he bled.
"Isn't it clear to you?" Quake asked him. "Isn't it, father?"
Donar's eyes went wide. "What---"
Quake punched him again. Donar fell back.
"Nay...'tisn't possible...."
"You'll see," Quake said, standing over him.
Then Mjalcolm came hurtling down the hallway. Donar caught it. It crackled with electricity.
"Then it is time for thee to learn a lesson," the hemigod said to his possible son. Donar hit him with his bat at full power, and Quake slammed through numerous walls. Donar went after him.
"Finny?" Ziles asked.
"Welcome back," he said. "Can you walk?"
"Yes, I should be fine," she nodded, as he put her on her feet.
"We better get moving. We have to stop Balefire," the dragon said.
"Yes," she agreed. "He's got nuclear missiles pointed to the world's capitals."
"What?!?" Finny shouted, shocked. "We have to get to him. Now."
"Agreed," Ziles sighed, as she held onto Finny's arm and walked out of the cell with him. "And one thing, Finny..." she began.
"Yes?" he replied.
"Thank you," she said, kissing him on the cheek.
"Call me Andy," he bade her. "Now let's go."
Fin Fang Foom and Ziles walked back into the hallway. Hatman had removed his Steelers cap in favor of his Astros hat. Energy crackled about him. He held the slumped over Canadian Nightmare by the collar.
The others were standing about, unsure of what to do. Enty was plugging something into his wrist computer.
"Okay," Finny said. "Balefire has nuclear missiles ready to cripple the planet. We need to stop him. Now fill me in."
"Old red and white attacked," Goldeneyed recapped, "but we took him down. Quake showed up too, and Donar's off somewhere else fighting him."
"Blast it," the dragon grumbled. "We could've used him."
"I was about to question this guy," Hatman said. "He can tell us where we can get our stuff back, and where Balefire is."
"I'm trying to access the LL and LoR mainframes, and get Edwin and Hallie patched in," Enty stated. "There." Both Edwin and Hallie's faces appeared on his wrist-screen.
"What's the trouble?" Edwin asked.
"Oh, don't tell me I have to work with *him*." Hallie rolled her virtual eyes.
"You need to work together to find out our position," the armored Regular said. "Get all the information you can, tell us where we are, and see if you can map out this place."
"Already done," Edwin said, interuppting Hallie, who was about to speak. "You're in a castle in Romania. The nukes should be in the northeast rook of the castle."
"I knew that," Hallie snorted. "No Lairjets around, but there is a teleporter somewhere in the castle, because that's how you got here. I'm not sure, I was scrambled during that point."
Edwin spoke up again. "There's only thirty-five minutes left to save the world, people. Get to it."
Hallie mumbled under her virtual breath. "Jerk."
Edwin did also. "Witch."
"Pig."
"Hag."
NTU sighed, and turned off his wrist-computer.
"Now," Exile smiled, cracking his knuckles at Canadian Nightmare. "Tell us where your boss is."
***
"Well, we're in hot water, all right," Dancer declared.
"Both literally and figuratively," spiffy noted as the water began to boil around him.
Hundreds of Morshlocks were standing around as the Abandoned Legion, JBH, Parodyverse Irregulars, and other assorted heroes sat in a pit filled with boiling water, waiting to be eaten.
"I don't mind it so much," Banjooo, King of the Sea Monkeys, stated.
"And why have we not escaped yet?" Amazing Guy asked. "We have enough power between us. Why haven't we done something?"
"It feels like some weird force is holding us here," Dancer said.
"Exactly," Mumphery Wilton smiled. "Ahh, reminds me of the old days..."
"Need I remind you we're about to be eaten by pale mutated guys with bad breath?" Dynamite Boy reminded them. "Let's get out of here!"
"Right," Shane Jackson, the teenage Messenger, nodded.
No one did anything.
"I really want to know what's keeping us here," De Brown Streak said. "So I can kick its ass."
"I'm afraid all I can do is add vegetables to the soup," Kid Produce sighed.
Jackie Rabbit and PhantomGhostGirl tried to move, but couldn't.
"I'd teleport upwards," dull thud said, "but I'd just fall back down in again."
~~And I'm sure they're wet enough, thuddy,~~ Cressida told him.
"My ability to hold my arm at shoulder height for extended periods of time isn't helping!" Captain Astounding proclaimed.
"Well, duh," Granny Fang murmured.
The Silent Nun said nothing.
"For the luvva bee-yotch," Icewing, the new hero on the block, worried. "We can't get out of here with you all complaining! Let's just do something!"
"Right," the Abandoned Legion said in unison.
No one did anything.
"Jeezum to the ism, crow to the izane!" Icewing exclaimed. "It's up to me." He focused his ice powers, and chilled the water around him, so that his compatriots wouldn't boil. Then he created a large pillar of ice which elevated them all upwards, away from the Morshlocks.
"Hey!" one of the underground mutants yelled. "The dinner's running away!"
"There's a tunnel over there," Cap said, pointing. "Can you steer us in that direction?"
"Not really," Icewing told him. "I kinda maxed out my powers for the time being."
"Swell," Dynamite Boy grumbled. "Because the Morshlocks are climbing up here."
"I'm slowing the chaps down as best as I can," Mumph told them.
"I think I can move again," Dancer said. She stood up, and did the macarena.
"Oh, please, no!" dull thud cried in anguish.
~~It's for the greater good,~~ Cressida said.
Suddenly, the flow of probability was altered, the ice pillar broke in half, and all of the heroes on top fell towards the mouth of the tunnel. The ice broke again, creating a sled for the heroes as they rocketed down the tunnel, finally landing on something squishy.
"May I ask what we landed on?" DBS wondered.
"I don't think you want to know," Mumphery responded.
"Why not?" Hunter Victorious asked.
"Because we're right on top of S'habba D'habba D'hu, the Groper Out of Grossness. And he's apparently waking up. Which means doom for Parodiopolis."
"Dagnazamnalammanitorama!" Icewing exclaimed, inventing a new word for this momentous occasion.
***
The Dark Knight went flying down the walkway that jutted out into the middle of the castle's rook. Hundreds of missiles surrounded it.
"That hurt," DK said, rubbing the back of his skull.
"There's more where that came from," Grrl snarled, unleashing a torrent of flame from her mouth.
"Watch where you point that thing," the Lair Legionnaire warned her. "Someone could get hurt." He flung a Knightarang at Grrl's forehead. It exploded on contact.
Grrl rocked back a step, just long enough for DK to pounce. He landed a kick to her midsection, but she batted him away with her fist. He flipped in mid-air, and landed on his feet. One knee touched the floor.
"Damn," he muttered, still feverish. Grrl kicked him in the jaw, and he fell back. She grabbed him, lifted him into the air, and tossed him to the side. He picked himself up just in time to receive a right cross.
Grrl hit him with her left, then her right again, and then her left. He got back up again and backhanded her across the face, but she punched him in the gut and then brought her other fist down on the back of her head.
Dark Knight pulled himself together long enough to land an uppercut on her, and then push her away with his feet. He stood up again.
"I won't fall again," he told her.
"We'll see," she spat, lashing out with punches. He blocked them.
He blocked one of her kicks and ducked a punch.
"By the way," he began, catching her fist. "You have horrible breath."
Grrl nailed him with one kick to the groin. She grabbed his head and slammed it into the railing of the walkway repeatedly, and then threw him back. He caught himself on the other side, barely standing.
DK threw an acid shuriken. Grrl sidestepped out of the way.
"Missed by a mile," she informed him, coming in with a punch.
"Meant to," he smirked, as she lifted him into the air. The control panel behind her had melted and sparked.
She threw him off the walkway.
The grim hero took out his grapnel and fired a hook at the railing. It latched on, and he swung under the walkway, around the other side, and over, right on top of Grrl, knocking them both over the railing.
Struggling as they fell, Grrl collided with a missile, knocking it out of its holding spot. It fell along with them, tapping a few other missiles and bringing them along for the ride.
DK hit the bottom first, and grunted. His legs became useless as he broke his back, paralyzing everything from his abdominals down. "Urrgh," he muttered, as a missle fell onto his legs.
Grrl landed face down, and began to pick herself up when a missile hit her in the back and pinned her down.
The Dark Knight had used his free arms to open up a hatch on the missle and examine it.
"Figures," he said out loud. "These aren't nuclear missiles. Your boss was bluffing. I should've known no amateur super-villain could get this many nukes that fast without me hearing about it."
The whole rook began to shake, as it lifted off from the ground.
"What's going on?" Grrl grunted as she tried to lift the missile off of her.
"The carrier we're in took off. We'll be flying over the countryside for a bit before the missiles launch."
"You launched them?"
"They won't be doing any damage. I've patched into the signal that's held between them. I can detonate them all whenever I want to."
"No...damn you, no..."
"What? Can't you survive this? I know I can't...."
"Dammit...stop!" she hollered. "You're insane..."
"Heh. Heh heh. Heheheh..." he chuckled. "Hehahahahah..." he broke into a laugh.
The Dark Knight laughed long and hard, in a cold manner.
And then the missile carrier exploded somewhere over France.
***
"The silo's gone, sir," a minion told Balefire. The minion was dressed in a hooded black jumpsuit with a gold sash, which meant he was higher in rank than a few of Balefire's other minions.
"Blood and bloody ashes," Balefire spat, and slammed his hand into the wall, denting the titanium alloy. "The Knight handled them."
"And Grrl, along with them," the minion added.
Balefire swore under his breath. "Information on the rest, Yohan."
Yohan the minion continued. "The Lair Legion and the League of Regulars have regrouped and apparently taken Canadian Nightmare. Their god is in the midst of a battle with Quake somewhere outside."
"Send the blacks after the heroes," Balefire commanded, referencing his minions with black sashes that wore only ski masks. "They should do well as fodder. Prepare the greens with the plasma pistols; they're the ones with the gun skills. Outfit the blues with electro-axes and make sure the reds have energy blades. You and the other two golds...use the Destructors. But make sure the strike team get to them first. Now go."
"About that, master..." Yohan said.
"What?"
"The Legion. They're already here."
A humoungous dent protruded into the room along with a tremendous shockwave. Then another. Upon the third, the wall burst open, and Fin Fang Foom, followed by a large group of super-heroes, entered.
The Lair Legion and League of Regulars had arrived.
"Damn. Sound the alarm," Balefire declared. Then he turned, and the wall split and opened in front of him. He stepped through, and the liquid metal door "healed" back into its original state.
"I'm going after him," Finny said, and took off into the air.
"Hey!" Chronic yelled, shaking his fist. "Come back here so I can kick your ass again! Hey!"
"I don't know about him," a female voice told him. "But feel free to have a turn with me."
Chronic turned around to see Troia215 staring him back in the face. Then she decked him.
"Do not pass! The master is not to be harmed!" Yohan hollered, aiming his Destructor, which looked like an empty Pringles can with a trigger, at the draconic leader of the LL. Finny didn't back down. Yohan fired.
A tremendous explosion followed as the energy blast from the gun collided with Finny's chest. But the Makluan appeared out of the smoke.
"Out of the way," Finny said, backhanding Yohan so hard he bowled over his other gold officers.
Then Fin Fang Foom tore through the walls.
Lisa kicked a minion in the groin and then punched him in the jaw. "I could summon the army, or the navy, or SPUD, or something," she said. "But this feels so much better." Then she pulled out her whip and snapped a minion's gun out of his hands.
Cheryl ducked an energy blade. "Y'know, these are the times I really wish I could just stay the homemaker." The red minion had her against the wall now.
"Eep," Cheryl squeaked. The minion prepared to lob off her head with his blade.
Visionary tackled the minion to the ground.
"Stay away from my wife!" the possibly fake man warned as he beat the minion unconscious.
"Oh, honey, you're terrific!" Cheryl smiled, hugging him.
"Thanks, dear," Vizh smiled.
The Birthday Bandit leveled his gun at them. "Oh yeah? Well, it appears your joy was short-lived. For you see, I've got a gun, and you don't. So why don't you just...gaaah!" The villain collapsed on the ground twitching.
Lisa stood over him with an electro-axe. "Neat," she grinned.
NTU-150 beat a minion over the head with his fist.
"And stay down," the cyborg told him.
Three red minions came at him with blades swinging. One of them slashed his armor, making a cut.
"Do you know how long it takes to buff out those dings?" Enty yelled, kneeing the guy in the stomach and giving him a hard right cross. He grabbed the handle of another red's blade and held up his other hand to the henchman. A blast of knockout gas from his wrist ended this minion's threat.
Using his advanced targeting system, Jaime Bautista threw the blade at the remaining minion's weapon, knocking it out of his hand. Then Enty shot nerve darts out of his fingertips, knocking the minion out.
NTU didn't see the blue minion coming. The hero managed to block the axe swing with his right wrist, but a shock of voltage ripped through his entire arm. Enty decked the man with his good left fist.
"Crud," he said, inspecting his right arm. "It's dead."
"Glad I brought flowers then," the Florist smiled, as a huge plant vine ripped up through the floor and began to wrap around Enty.
"Yeah, nice pun," Enty said, as his arm sparked. He used his other arm's energy repulsor blasts to rip the vine to shreds. However, two more took its place.
As Enty fired spurts of flame at the vines, a certain genderless thought being snuck up from behind the Florist, and then kicked him in the head.
"Hello, Yo," the evil plant lover growled. "Die."
"Yo is not thinking uncute flower man will be killing cute Yo-being today," Yo said.
"This really isn't helping," Enty decided as his arm sparked again. Then he placed his good hand on his right shoulder.
"And Yo is being thinking Yo knows karate." S/he kicked the Florist in just the right spot to make him fall to his knees. Then s/he punched him in the face.
"That really hurt," the villain stated as a giant flower pod engulfed the Yo-being and dragged him/her away. The the Florist turned around to check on NTU-150.
Then a bicep caught him right across the face and knocked him out.
"There," Enty smiled, holding his self-severed right arm by the wrist and waving it around like a bat. "Put it to good use."
Then he went to check on Yo.
A rock and roll sound blast, courtesy of Steve, the devil's guitar, sent Troia reeling.
"Come on. Dragon Boy couldn't stop me, so I don't think a hussy like yourself will," Chronic smiled, as he pulled out a joint a took a drag on it.
Troia hurled her spear at him. He dodged, but the weapon caught his jacket and tore it right off of him.
"Hey! My coat--" Chronic began.
"Right," Troia215 said. "The one with the built-in amplifiers." Then she flipped through the air and kicked him in the ribs.
Nats blocked an energy blade attack with his stick. Then he swung it like a bat, knocking the minion out. Several electro-axes came at him, but a telekinetic pulse sent both the weapons and their wielders flying.
A green fired a plasma bolt at the flying delivery boy. Bill Reed manipulated his telekinetic abilities to halt the plasma in mid-air, and disperse it.
"Nice try," Nats nodded, sending fire from his cane towards the minion's feet. "But no cigar."
Troia belted Chronic across the face for the fifth time, and then kicked him in the back of the knee and slammed his head into the wall.
Chronic blocked the next shot with his guitar. "I still have the normal powers of Steve," he said, getting ready to pluck the strings. Steve suddenly went flying out of his hands, and Nats caught it.
"Yeah, but I don't think it'll help you when I have it," Bill Reed smirked.
Troia hit Chronic three more times, but Chronic landed a punch that sent her falling backwards. "And you've forgotten my joint-inspired strength too," the sometimes-hero/sometimes-villain-depending-on-the-mood added. "Now you better give me back my guitar, Nads," he grumbled.
"Ooo," Nats said sarcastically. "That hurt. But not as much as this." The guitar flew out of the hero's hand at a high speed and collided with Chronic's jaw, sending him into the wall again.
Nats extended a hand to help his fellow redhead up. "C'mon, Troia. We still have many more minions to maim."
Exile was surrounded by upwards of ten minions, all holding either energy blades or electro-axes.
"C'mon, guys. You call that energy? Nah...watch a master." He held up his right hand, and a huge display of red objects began appearing and dissolving, followed by different ones, all very fast.
A bolt of force appeared out of the hero's other hand, knocking several henchmen over.
"And that is what we call the distraction," Derek Foreman noted, performing a roundhouse kick that was bolstered by an energy boot. "Any questions?"
A green pointed his gun at Exile and pulled the trigger.
"Oh, puh-lease," Exy muttered, setting up a shield in front of him. "You gave me plenty of time to---hwulp!" He fell to the floor hard as the plasma bolt tore right through his shields and hit him in the chest. "And that really burned," he added, his torso smoking.
Several more green minions surrounded him, guns at the ready.
Suddenly, their guns began disappearing in flashes of gold. More gold bursts preceeding several of them getting hit in the back of the head, or flying backward from powerful displays of force.
Goldeneyed finally appeared fully in one last magnificent gold flash. "Looked like you needed some help, cousin," Bry Katz told Rick Foreman.
"Yeah, whatever," Exile said, picking himself up and brushing himself off. Then he looked up. "Bry, duck!"
G-Eyed did so, and Exile shot a red beam from his hand that sent the blue minion behind Bry flying.
" 'Looked like you needed help, cuz,' " Exile imitated.
"Don't push your luck," G-Eyed laughed. "We're even."
"I guess so," Exy nodded. "Quick, behind you!"
Bry ducked again.
"Heh. Gotcha," Exy smiled. Nothing was there.
Goldeneyed sighed.
CrazySugarFreakBoy! bounced from wall to ceiling to wall and back again repeatedly at blurring speeds. Explosions followed him.
"Don't you ever get tired?" Turbo Treesloth asked him angrily, firing missile after missile at the green-and-orange blur.
"Not really," CSFB! told him, whizzing past his ear.
"Hey!" the Treesloth yelled, firing more missiles.
"So what're you supposed to be, a rabbit?" the sugary hero wondered.
"I'm a treesloth, blast it! What else could I be?" the villain yelled. Then the missiles stopped. "Uh oh. Out of ammo."
CSFB! clung to the ceiling with his minor elasticity. "I can wait," he told the villain.
Trickshot aimed a single arrow at Turbo Treesloth's back. He let go of the blowstring.
"But my friend here can't," Dreamcatcher Kokopelli Foxglove mentioned.
The arrow hit TT's booster jetpack, causing it to explode, propelling the big rodent through the air and into a wall.
"Play dead, Turbo," Carl Bastion, the Irritating Archer said to the villain.
"Ow..." Turbo Treesloth muttered.
"Really ugly squirrel," Trickshot observed.
"Big one at that," CSFB! added as he stuck the villain to the floor via his silly string.
"I'm a treesloth, dammit! Treeeeeeslooooth!"
The screams continued as the pair of heroes walked away.
Hatman, clad in his Titans cap, shrugged off the sting of the electro-axes and the bite of the energy blades in the midst of the carnage. He used his mythological strength to send the minions packing.
"Got anything better?" the Capped Crusader asked. Plasma bolts answered.
Jay Boaz stomped on the ground, causing the floor to shake and the minions to tumble. "I asked for more than sunburn," he laughed.
Jack Knife stood out of the way and waited for an opening to use his special poison-tipped deathknives. They could pierce tanks. He felt they could work on the deputy leader of the Lair Legion no matter what hat he was wearing.
As Hatman threw two black minions into the air, Jack Knife hurled his knives.
However, before they reached the hero, they slowed down, and then suddenly turned into doves, which flew away.
"What the...?" Jack mumbled.
"Magic," the Sorceress smiled from behind him.
"Huh? No fair!" the villain remarked.
"All's fair in love and war," Hatman anecdoted, using his Philadelphia Kixx hat to punt the small man across the room.
Whitney Darkness wrapped her arms around him. "You were excellent."
"You weren't bad yourself," he smiled. Then he went back to a serious expression. "Not here, though," he said of her advances. "We've still got work to do."
"Right," his girlfriend agreed, as a Destructor blast exploded behind them. "Let's go."
Balefire ran through wall after wall, each one closing behind him.
Fin Fang Foom diligently followed, tearing his way through each barrier.
Finally, Balefire stopped and stood his ground. He pressed a button on the throne in front of him.
The Makluan dragon exploded through the last wall, still headed straight towards the villain mastermind.
However, an electro-magnetic force field stopped him in his tracks. The magnetic energy rippled through him, along with an electric pulse, holding him in place.
Four orbs came out of the wall and hovered about Balefire. "These are my personal sentroids. I borrowed their form from a video game. You see, video games are practically the reason for me being here."
"What are you talking about?" Finny growled. Ionic pulse charges fired from the sentroids, causing a great deal of pain to the dragon.
"I did not give you persmission to speak," Balefire warned him. "You are in my domain. I am the emperor, and you will listen to me."
Finny tried to use his flame-breath, but found that he couldn't because of the powerful force field, which seemed to be controlled by two small conical spires on top of the throne.
"I was a video game designer once. My name is, or was, Jeremiah Frohst. I was born here, in Romania, but I was moved to America once my parents found out that I was a prodigy. I was highly intelligent, skilled in the arts, and excellent in athletics, and forms of battle. I highly enjoy fencing, by the way," the villain began, tapping the handle of his sword, which he kept at his side.
"I engaged in intense computer study. I was top in my computer engineering classes. I graduated college at sixteen years of age. I was a computer master, but one thing that never failed to fascinate me was video games. They would transport you to other worlds, where you could live the life of anyone. But the graphics were poor, the sound lousy, and the gameplay could've been better. I improved them. They are indeed powerful machines today, but I invented better.
"I was developing a holographic video game interface just two years ago. It was controlled by a helmet that would send the images directly into your mind. The graphics themselves would be spectacular, in nearly four dimensions! You would be in the game. I could not afford another soul to test my invention. No, I tried it myself.
"I put the helmet on, and tapped into my gaming network. The adventure game that I was trying to play suddenly seemed to go mad. I saw colors never before seen by any human, heard sounds never before created. My mind was opened to this powerful force, this source of energy that could fill me with the most awesome power. It wanted to make me a vessel of it. I became one with this, The Power, as I deemed it. It made me stronger, faster, and more intelligent. It made me wise beyond my years, more experienced, making me more mentally enhanced and aware than any other human. It made my brain so much more powerful, opening new regions of it that no human can access. It gave me the power of balefire, which I demonstrated to you in with Jerry Springer.
"It can consume any solid object, sending it to The Power, making it stronger, and thereby, making *me* stronger. It is me. I am the Balefire, and I have named myself thus.
"I gave up my paltry video games. I realized newer and greater things. I studied the world's most powerful super-villains: the Hooded Hood, Baron Zemo, Apostate, and all the rest. I learned their techniques, what made them fail. I improved upon them. I invented incredible technology, which I used to rebuild this castle. I began a following, my minions, and I assembled a Strike Team of super-villains. I am ahead of this planet by so many years. I am nearly a god."
Balefire's hands flickered with flame. "You know me now. Now witness my power."
"I don't think so," Finny grunted. His torso began to quiver.
"What in hell?" the villain cursed.
Finny's chest split open, and Ziles leaped out.
"Shape-shifting abilities," the dragon explained, baring his fangs. "You can hold me in this field, but Ziles could slip through."
The Xnylonian exile kicked Balefire in the jaw and then threw four shurikens into the air, each one colliding with a Sentroid, destroying it.
"The spires..." Finny grumbled, trying to break out of the field.
Ziles tossed two small disks, one to each of the spires. The disks flared in electricity, and then the spires went dead. "Courtesy of the Dark Knight," she said.
"No!" Balefire cried, bringing his fist down on her, and throwing her to the side.
"Bad idea," the leader of the Lair Legion said as his tail hit Balefire in the chest, sending him backwards into his throne. He slammed his hand down on the control panel to his left, and then stood back up.
"We have liftoff," he told the two heroes, as the entire central installation of the castle began to shake. Then it lifted into the air and flew off into the sky.
"Shouldn't you be unconscious?" Fin Fang Foom asked him. "And where are we going?"
"Personal electro-magnetic force field," Balefire answered. "And we're entering Plan C. Retreat. Heading to the rain forest where no one can find me."
"Don't forget us; we'll bring you down," Finny said.
"No," the villain replied. "You'll be dead by touchdown." His hands flamed again.
"I'm trying to get into his mind," Ziles noted, "but I can't find anything. There's a hole where he should be." She thought she recognized the jewel on his headband.
"Behind me, Ziles," Finny told his teammate. "If you think that can hurt me, Balefire, you're wrong. I'm pretty much invulnerable."
"I told you," Balefire said, shooting a stream of flame from his hand. "It consumes everything." The fire hit Finny in the chest. The flame spread throughout his whole body, engulfing him until there was nothing left but a pile of ash.
"You killed him..." Ziles gasped. "You...you...bastard."
"You're next," Balefire told her.
***
Donar literally reigned hell upon his enemy.
Quake shook off the pain and fought back.
Electricity flowed out of Donar's bat, Mjalcolm, and into his opponent, and possible son, Quake.
Tremendous blasts of sound and heat erupted out of Quake's hands as he tried to wrestle Mjalcolm from Donar's hands.
"You cannot be my son," Donar told the villain as he pounded him through a castle wall, onto the grass outside. The hemigod followed.
Quake kicked Donar back. "You don't get it," the killer from the future said. "I am your son. I haven't been born yet. I know I was raised in Ausgard, and I know my childhood was horrible. But I killed everyone I didn't like, once I found out about my lineage. About my power. They told me my father was the great warrior, Donar." Quake punched his possible father in the head, knocking him back again, but Donar swung his bat into Quake's ribs.
"Thou couldst ne'er have been brought fromst mine own blood. Thou art evil."
"You never had a hand in raising me. You were too busy. I'm not even sure if you knew about me." Quake grabbed the Australian god of thunder in a headlock.
"Troia..."
"Is she my mother? I don't know. She was dead by the time I reached puberty. And you were missing." Donar retaliated with a backwards headbutt, and then picked Quake up and threw him into the moat, which was populated by alligators.
The moat boiled, and then Quake exploded out of it, and landed on the side opposite of Donar. "I journeyed into the cities," the villain went on. "I became muscle, a hitman, a horrible super-villain. And then I found my way back in time. I found out that you were a popular hero here. I was ecstatic. I could get revenge on the man that ruined my life, by giving it to me."
Donar hurled Mjalcolm straight at Quake. "Thou speakest in riddles," he spat through a bloody mouth.
Quake caught the bat. However, the immense strength of the pull that brought the bat back to Donar caused Quake to be carried through the air, straight at the hemigod.
Donar, while grabbing the bat, uppercutted Quake, sending him into the air, and onto the roof of the castle. The god followed.
As Donar brought the bat down on his head, Quake continued. "The time travel messed with my memory a bit. But I knew you were my father. I knew that you sent me to be raised in Ausgard, by the filthiest maggots that ever lived! The things that they made me do, that they did to me..."
Donar stopped for a moment. Then he spoke. "That still dost not account for the evil deeds that thou didst. Thy guardians may have been evil to thee, but thou hast done unspeakable evils as welleth."
Quake unleashed twin beams of energy from his hands, which knocked Donar on his back. Quake leaped onto him, and latched his hands around Donar's neck. "It was your fault! If you had cared..."
"I haveth a responsibility to the world. And that...that hast to cometh first, 'pon all else." A blast of electricity got Quake off of him. The castle began to shake, and fly into the air.
Donar summoned immense winds, and downpours of rain. Thunder boomed in the sky above. "I art sorry," he stated. "Sorry for thy early years, sorry for the evil done to thee, sorry for the evil thou didst, and sorry for thy victims. Howe'er...thou must be stopped. Thou canst not bring carnage 'pon mine world, and mine time."
Electricity, from all over the world, flowed into the air, into one precise spot, hovering above Donar at all times.
"And if thou art truly mine own son...let it be said that I doth approveth of spanking."
The biggest lightning bolt to ever be created on the Earth exploded down from the heavens and slammed into Quake's chest. As he was flung off of the castle-ship, his flesh blackened from being burnt, electricity coursed through his veins, and he spasmed as he fell.
"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn yooooooooooooooou!" Quake cried as he fell into a volcano.
"'Tis o'er..." Donar said to himself, as the skies turned blue again. "Shyeah. Righteth."
Then the thunder god slammed Mjalcolm into the floor and went back into the castle.
***
The Dark Knight woke up under the Eiffel Tower. His entire body was covered in third degree burns, and his spine was broken from the fall. Several of his ribs had shattered, and he was only able to move one arm. He was bleeding profusely, and struggled to remain conscious.
Flaming pieces of missile and rook were strewn about. DK looked to his left. There lay the unconscious body of Grrl. She was also bleeding, and her skin had been blackened from the fire. DK could see she was still breathing.
Mimes were crowding around to see what had happened.
"Unnnh..." the hero muttered as his spine and other bones began to heal. His cuts started closing. Pretty soon, his torn muscles had been brought back together, and he could stand.
Propping himself up against the tower, he saw part of Balefire's castle fly overhead.
"Damn..." the weak and bruised Grim Avenger muttered as he summoned the Knightjet.
***
"Reminds me of a date I once had," Cap observed, as he dodged from certain death. "Her arms were everywhere."
S'habba D'habba D'hu's arms were trying to rip the assemblage of super-heroes to shreds.
"I'd probably be a bigger help if my wings weren't busted," Falcon spoke as he fired ice and taser blasts at an arm, as well as Halcyon Blades.
"Mine, however, are not!" the alien Pigeonman said as he hit an arm with his high-tech mace. The arm lashed out, and knocked him to the ground.
"How can we be fighting it if it's not awake?" Amazing Guy asked Sir Mumphrey Wilton, as the former held some arms at bay with a large sword make of multiverse energy.
"This part of it is only sleepwalking," Mumphrey answered as he used his Chronometer of Time to make a few arms slow down so that Cobra could reload her banana gun, and Paste Pot Pete could hold it back with some glue.
Banjooo wrestled with two arms. "Could this guy be the reason we couldn't use our powers or move or anything earlier?"
"Maybe," spiffy said. "In fact, didn't we have trouble using our powers around the Morhslocks or S'habba before?"
"Can't remember," Banjooo said, realizing he had just gained the ability to forget certain events.
"I'm not sure either," the omnimayor Mark Hopkins replied, shielding himself with some fern armor.
"I wonder what the odds of the arms attacking each other are," Dancer pondered as she did the tango with Captain Astounding. The arms began fighting.
"You're lucky I can..." Astounding began.
"...hold your arm at shoulder-length for extended periods of time? We know," Dancer interuppted.
Granny Fang rescued the Silent Nun from a flailing arm as Dynamite Boy prepared to explode.
"Bad idea, Jimmy," Shane Jackson told his friend DB. "If you blow up, you might just make him wake up faster."
"Then I'm pretty much useless. Ian?"
Ian Astheimer, the semi-incredible Icewing, responded. "My powers are slowly coming back, but I wiped them out a bit before. But if I can recharge for a couple more minutes, I might be able to cool this dude down before he destroys the city. That might make him fall asleep."
"Good," PhantomGhostGirl said, phasing through an attacking arm. "Jasper and Jackie! Get everyone to that tunnel over there!"
"Gotcha," Jackie Rabbit nodded.
dull thud ducked from an attack, until ManMan jumped in the way and began slicing away with Knifey.
"I think I can hold it back," Joe Pepper told the grungy roadie.
"Ye better, or we're toast," thud replied.
~~Say, that knife seems familiar,~~ Cressida said.
Knifey spoke up. "Cressida? Is that you?" ManMan stuck him back in an arm.
~~Knifey! Long time no see.~~
"Um..." ManMan umed.
"Apparently, my telepathic tapeworm and your sentient knife have met before," thud explained.
"We used to date," Knifey said.
The heroes began evacuating. Hunter Victorius, Banjooo, and AG provided cover as the others made their way to the tunnel.
"I think I can do this now," Icewing said. "Here goes nothing." He spread frost over S'habba D'habba D'hu, which cooled the beast down. The attacking arms stopped attacking, and gently brought themselves to the ground. The creature was asleep once more.
"Phew," De Brown Streak sighed. "So where does this tunnel lead?"
Icewing made a wall of ice between them and the monster.
"I think it leads into the basement of the Lair Mansion," Mumphrey noted. "Possibly around one of Space Ghost's broom closets."
Several super-heroes screamed.
***
The wall exploded inward, and the Lair Legion stepped into the throne room.
"This saves me the trouble of having to look for you," Balefire smirked.
"What did you do with Finny?" Hatman hollered.
"The same thing that I'm about to do to you," the villain said.
Hatman, clad in his Steelers cap, rushed at Balefire, but the villain just fired a torrent of flame, which ripped through Hatman's body and consumed him.
Sorceress gasped.
"You're all in for the same fate," Balefire declared. "You'll be balefired."
Flame spiraled out of both his hands, towards the LL and the League of Regulars.
Donar and Nats tried to shield the others, but the fire just took them and moved on.
Visionary covered Cheryl with his body, trying to protect her, but they were both taken.
The flame went through Enty's small force field, and consumed both him and Lisa.
G-Eyed couldn't teleport out of the way fast enough as the flame got him, his cousin Exile, and Troia215.
Trickshot and CSFB! found no way to protect themselves.
Yo tackled Sorceress back through the entrance, and the wall healed behind them.
Yo spoke up. "Cute Whitney, Yo is sad too, but Yo cannot let you be being hurt...come with Yo. Come."
Whitney Darkess sobbed as Yo led her along. "They're all gone, Yo..."
"Yo-being is still being here. As is cute Ziles."
Whitney sniffed, and looked around. "Hmm?"
Ziles turned visible again, in front of them. "He's coming. We don't have much time. But I think...maybe...I can bring them back."
"What?" Sorceress said through a face wet with tears as Ziles and Yo brought her into the room of the earlier battle.
"Balefire mentioned some Power...a place where everything he killed with the flame went to...I might be able to get into it...it's connected to Balefire's mind, somehow, and if I can get into the Power, I might be able to shut it off," Ziles replied.
Sorceress nodded. "I can help you. With a spell."
"We must be hurrying, cute friends," Yo told them. "Yo is thinking you can do it, and Yo will be helping."
Ziles sat down on the floor, followed by Sorceress and Yo. They joined hands.
Ziles's jewel glowed as she projected her mind outside of her body. Her power was amplified by Sorceress's magic and Yo's belief.
Ziles broke through several astral barriers. She was still weakened from earlier, but she could not give up. She was hurled through cosmic space, through the minds of everyone in the near vicinity, through what could even have been purgatory, but eventually, she stopped.
The Xnylonian empath looked around. It was all white.
Twisted and deformed beings revolved around a large hole, crackling with energy.
Ziles recognized them as her friends.
She was in The Power.
And connected to it, she could feel Balefire's mind. But she couldn't access it.
And her friends were coming closer and closer to the energy...
Balefire stepped through the last wall, and looked upon Sorceress, Ziles, and Yo.
"This is too easy," he said. "Sitting ducks..."
Then the Dark Knight dropped through the hole in the ceiling and kicked him in the head.
A brutal assault followed. "Ziles told me what happened, empathically," he said. "You're definitely going to pay." Blow after blow came down upon Balefire. He managed to block several, and began to gain the upper hand.
Balefire gave a powerful right cross to DK, and then the villain unsheathed his sword.
The Grim LLer took out his Knightstick, made of liquid metal, and it became a katana. He blocked the sword blows, and counterattacked. Parry, parry, slice, thrust.
Balefire kicked him in the leg, and DK winced, just long enough for the villain to shove the sword right into the hero's gut.
"Urrk..." DK choked. "Still...I've had worse." He uppercutted Balefire, and then headlocked him.
"Tell me," the hero spat. "Is that a Daxamian jewel on your headband? One that counteracts a Xnylonian jewel? Preventing them from entering your mind? Hmm..."
Balefire twisted the sword in the Dark Knight's stomach. DK winced again, but still managed to pull the headband off of Balefire's head.
And then the villain mind exploded.
Energy poured out of him as he spasmed and flailed, and then fell to the ground. A bright flash of light erupted out of him, and then he fell over, smoke rising off of him.
The Lair Legion and the League of Regulars were back. And so was Jerry Springer.
"What just happened?" Springer asked.
"We'll fill you in later," Nats told him.
"Jay!" Whitney smiled, hugging her boyfriend. "I thought you were dead. Oh...it's wonderful to see you here."
"Thanks, Whit," Hatman said. "But..earlier...were you and Finny...?"
"What?" the Sorceress spoke. "No...I was just being a good friend..."
Jay kissed her on the forehead. "Of course. I just thought..."
"You'll always be just mine, Jay," she grinned, holding him tighter.
NTU-150 did a diagnostics check. "All equipment still present and accounted for."
"What about Edwin and Hallie?" Goldeneyed asked him. "Are they still there?"
Enty patched in to the network. Edwin and Hallie were in the middle of a passionate kiss.
"Uh..." Jaime Bautista said. "I think they got over their differences."
"You'll all die," Balefire told them.
"Yeah, yeah," Trickshot said.
The villain tried to fire flame at him. "Why isn't it..."
"I cut your access to The Power off, Balefire," Ziles told him. "You can't hurt us anymore."
"I...I..."
A draconian fist slammed him into the floor, and into unconsciousness.
"That's for everything," Fin Fang Foom growled. He turned to Ziles and the Dark Knight. "Thank you. Both of you."
DK pulled the sword out of his lower abdomen and nodded. "It's what I do. But we could've prevented this. If we were more proactive. But we're not. And that's a shame."
"What are you saying?" Finny asked him.
"I have more and more things to do," the Dark Knight said. "Evil is still out there, and I want to kick it in the balls before it has a chance to point a gun at me. I want to be more proactive. Which means..." He looked up at Finny. "I want to leave the LL."
***
"...and that's how I almost beat the Lair Legion, and took over the world," Balefire finished, pushing around his mashed potatoes. He had been sent to an insane asylum, and he didn't find it enjoyable. But at least he had company.
"What? You call that a story? Wait'll you hear this one..." the Apostate began.
The End.
Next Issue: This is the end for this team, but coming up soon, we'll have the Lair Legion Lineup story! And after that, in LLC #10, the new team moves in, as we continue subplots and create new ones! The LL discuss media and merchandising as CSFB! and Trickshot go on one last hurrah over in Seattle with an invisible killer! Don't miss this one....
This poster posed from 204.186.166.19 when they posted
Message Thread
- Lair Legion Chronicles #9: Death, Taxes, & Super-Villains - Nats present the very long last hurrah for the current era of the Lair Legion! This, folks, is the finale of the Balefire story and features as many characters that could fit in one story...and then some! Please indulge yourself by reading it! - 17:13 on March 17, 2002
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